It's time. Finaly I've made it back.  I've been in a slump for a long time and recently finaly hit bottom last week.  I've been in this slump for like 8 months it's too hard to explain why I guess I just got tired of God not moving the way I want Him too.  Then my dad got cancer and I came back to church and started coming back to God but truthfuly I haven't been pursuing God still.  Last week I realized that my life is completely out of control I got a crazy addiction that's costing me a lot of money think what you want to what that is but I'm not sharing it publicly. I've just been turning to all the wrong things for my problems and I knew that but I guess I didn't realize how far away I was untill believe it or not my roommates said something.  There's no question this has been the hardest month for me so far dealing with my dad's death because of Father's Day.  I think it's time for a change I've been praying about what I should do from here and I feel I need to change churches. I love NEFC but there's not much of a oppurtunity for me to be involved in the youth group. I got Weds nights off I know I can find somewhere I can be used  and also I'm planning on attending college in the next month or so as soon as I can get the money to start this first class... http://www.cluonline.com/concentrations/Youth.htm this place sounds exactly what I'm looking for... You do it online and I can do it part time around my work schedule.  It's pretty costly like any college but I decided I'm going to do it may God provide... I know I belong in youth ministry and I'm not letting anything stop me.  I read the testimonies of the people who go there and it really seems like a great ministry opportunity people who been to seminarries and such said they've learned the most and actualy practical knowledge from cluonline

   God help me be who you want me to be.  Mold me so I'm useable by you and never let my heart stop hurting for youth. God take control of my life once again and finish the work you started in me. In Jesus name. Amen

          My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone at Virginia Tech and their families... School shootings... sucides.... all of which are truly tragic because it can be prevented and it frustrates me because I don't think the media gets it. As soon as the story was over the first thing my local news said afterwards is what local colleges are doing to protect this from happening here and it's not that I don't think that it's not important but what we need to focus on is the motive... You can bring metal detectors... have security guards... or whatever it is but all that will do is make the shooters adapt..

        Cho Seung-Hui, I can't help but to think how lonely he was, I know many will probably view him a monster but you don't understand... I'm not trying to justify his actions but I know it's so easy to call him a monster but I would say he has serious issues from growing up getting picked on and I know he had to struggle with suicide and as someone who has struggled with the same I can tell you this could of easily of been me. When you have no hope, no friends, nobody that cares... there are really only two ways to handle it... 1 being to blame yourself, 2 blame everyone else. That's pretty much what you go through...

Those who blame themselves feel worthless, that life doesn't matter and they just end their own life eventualy if not treated. Those who blame others have a hatred for EVERYONE. Their logic is if you aren't part of the soulution you're part of the problem, yes this may not make sense to you but it's truly what they feel, I know I've been in both.

I first started having sucidal thoughts when I was about 10 years old, I felt pure worthless and that everyone would be better off without me, I would take a knife and hold for hours debating whether I should use it... I never did but I did want to I can only give God glory for that because I knew there had to be something more. When I did accept Jesus at a church I started going to when I was about 12... my viewpoint was this "o.k God you love me and will always be there for me" but as my attitude towards everyone else was forget everyone and I had a hatred for everyone. Yes I know that wasn't a Christ like attitude but remember I didn't understand that yet...

   My point in writing this and sharing this is to answer why, you want to know why this happens it's because nobody is stepping in the gap. Evaluate your life right now. If you go to school look out for people who stay to themselves, quiet, and try and talk to them reach out, and if you ever see anyone making fun of someone stand up for them... nobody wants to be alone they might push you away but I tell you they do that because they think you are going to hurt them just like everyone else. See the problem is with suicide is most likely they're not going to come to you, you have to search for them. This world is full of lonely people and unfoutnately it's come to the point  where people get tired of being ignored, and feeling useless that they take it on everyone else and people die. If the shooting at Virginia Tech had any affect on you don't ignore it and forget about it a month or so use this as a reminder that we all need someone to care about us, someone to listen, you do that and you will be saving lives.

      Dear heavenly Father, Lord I pray that people will have a new sense of love for one another, and I pray that society will make schools safer but also realize that in order to stop the violence we need to stop the hate, the ridicule and that puttin people down for whatever reason is unacceptable, and that people will stand up for each other, and people will just care and love each other. I pray Lord as Christians we need to do a better job showing your love, I pray that you surround us with these people who need someone to stand by them and that we will be obiediant no matter how unpopular, geeky, ugly, have bad b/o... whatever the reason is because You went after the outcasts of your time so give us the same confidence to do the same and see a great change in many lives.  In Jesus' name amen.

footprints

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was
walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the
sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he
noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one
belonging to him, and the other to the Lord. When
the last scene of his life flashed before him, he
looked back at the footprints in the sand. He
noticed that many times along the path of his life
there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed
that it happened at the very lowest and saddest
times in his life. This really bothered him and he
questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, You said that
once I decided to follow you, You'd walk with me all
the way. But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life, there is only one set
of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed
you most you would leave me." The Lord replied,
"My son, My precious child, I love you and I would
never leave you. During your times of trial and
suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it
was then that I Carried You."

     I can't even begin to tell you my thoughts. I want to give up on everything God, life everything and let all the stress go away but I could never do that because I'm not that selfish, I could never put my mom through that. I just wish I knew what to do. I want something positive... I feel like my life is a waste.... everything I start never finishes. I'm getting discharged from the army because I was going to go to Iraq and I can't do that to my mom. I am torn about getting out though I don't have much to pride myself in and that's my pride as a soldier now what am I?

     I bought a house. I started the process before I even knew my dad had cancer again. My whole plan is to work my butt off and me and 2 other co owners and another renting a room, hopefully we can pay it off in 5 years and the plan is to buy another and rent it out and pay that off and buy another and so on. Eventualy for me I wanted to use this to get my building for my ministry, a place for teens from wrecked homes, deppressed and or suicidal teens, teens who struggle from cutting, in general the broken teen.  I wish there was a place like that for me right now lol.  My life's experience has brought me so much pain but through that pain I can connect with so many teens everyone of you will go through what I'm going through, everyone dies...  chances are you will deal with deppression at some point in your life. You may not deal with sucide but you might end up knowing someone that will or maybe have a child who will. Life isn't easy and it doesn't get any easier even with God it can seem unbearable. You just got to press on and realize that God's plan for you is too important to give up. God doesn't give up on you even if you give up on yourself.

    I feel like Abram with this vision and dream. I feel like this is what God has for me it just takes patience which is definately not my strong point. I'm not sure if getting the house and my plan is what God wanted me to do now but Abram and Sarah got impatient too and Abram had a son with Sarah's servant so it seems to me that God will bless me untill then I will soak up His word like a sponge and get as much experience in my field I can because when it is time, lives will change forever.

                                                                            In loving memory            

                                                                                 Gary Jay Batson

                                                                                9-15-55 to 2-16-07

         He died in his sleep and looked very peaceful. I know I will see you again dad.